One of the valuable, interesting – and yes, even fun – things about being in therapy, being a therapist and looking back over all aspects of my therapeutic career, is the patterns, and connections that emerged and became apparent over time. I cannot think of any other way these patterns might have otherwise emerged. Awareness, focused attention, reflection, openness, acceptance, surrender and a willingness to entertain new beliefs and perspectives.
I’m not saying therapy is the only way to find the courage, strength and tools to choose and create your own life – or that it’s for everyone – but it is one way.
Hey, whatever works. Right?
For example:
Not Knowing
During a recent therapy session – at a time when I was very tired due to lack of sleep – I kept having memory lapses and being at a loss for words. I allowed myself this experience and didn’t try to remember or understand anything. I allowed myself to not make any more effort at clarity or finding the missing thoughts and words. It was relaxing and peaceful giving myself this permission not to know. To luxuriate in it even! It was good.
..and short lived.
I expressed to my therapist {I’ll call him Peter} how relaxing it felt to NotKnow. I caught, what I thought was, a look of light puzzlement on his face; and maybe even a little negative judgement. Judgement which was most probably a projection of my own self-judgement. This caused me to quickly abandon my relaxed state. Abandon my true desire. I abandoned myself. I needed to get back to ‘work‘. The work of therapy. I needed to DO something. As opposed to just B~E~I~N~G; being relaxed in not-knowing.
Fear | Guilt | Anger
I felt guilty for not-knowing, not understanding, not having clarity, an opinion, a perspective, an idea, a thought.
I did however have enough self-curiosity and awareness to notice what was happening and enough fear and guilt to pull myself away from my reverie to express to Peter what I was experiencing (which was ‘not too much’). Was this self-disclosure enough? Apparently not.
My self-criticism continued…
How dare I give myself the relief and pleasure of being okay and comfortable with mynot knowing!
Was I angry with Peter or myself for pulling me away from feeling good into shame, embarrassment and guilt?
During another appointment with a different therapist – one I had long before I was even considering becoming a therapist myself – I spent 90% of that session frozen in very uncomfortable silence. I had no idea what to say or do. I hated being looked at and ‘observed’. What was expected? It was excruciating. I hope I’m not turning any of you readers off therapy – because it was, in retrospect, a very valuable learning experience. It was the opposite of relaxed – it was the polarity of my most recent therapy experience of letting myself (at least for a moment) drift off into the pleasure of not knowing. For that moment I didn’t HAVE TO know; or be anything I wasn’t then and there.
It feels good to notice this patternshift in myself.
It also makes me wonder: do we all live under some pressure of being expected to have an opinion, perspective or idea about most things in general; especially in this age of (excess?) information?
And, if we don’t have an opinion – and rather than risking being perceived as dim-witted and stupid – do we choose to spout off someone else’s opinions as if they were our own?
Another example:
In a recent therapy group meeting we were having a discussion about someone outside our group regarding their personal, familial, relationship dynamic. I was uncomfortable with the conversation and chose to ignore my discomfort. I now realize that the source of my discomfort was that the conversation was based on second hand information – i.e. I was gossiping. When one of our quiet members was asked for his perspective he said “I don’t know“. I recall that in that instance how refreshing and authentic that statement was.
I paused to ask myself how uncomfortable I might be in saying “I don’t know” in a social setting. How might I fear being judged saying “I don’t know – I don’t have an opinion”?
How often do I blurt out something I’ve read on the internet or heard second hand from someone else – something I try and pass off as my own original thinking – before risking saying “I don’t know”?
This is one example of how, over time and with the help of therapy, I have recognized a pattern in myself that cost me dearly. It cost me my natural, relaxed, self-accepting, non-judgemental state of being. What a price to pay.
Can you relate in any way? I’d love to hear of any patterns (either wanted or unwanted) that you have discovered in yourself, and howyou discovered them.
I love being a therapist, the therapeutic process and my like-minded colleagues. People and settings where I can allow myself to be in wonder. To KNOWandNOT KNOW.
p.s. Watch out Peter – we’re in for a rip roarin’ good time of dim-witted silence and I dunno’s next session!
p.p.s. An exciting upside to letting yourself relax into not knowing is you create fertile ground and welcoming space for something NEW to emerge..new direction, new awareness… new KNOWING
